midgeling: life in a shoe.

I am at work. I have been here since 8:30 this morning. It's 4:15 right now. I only need to work 6 hours today. I don't want to go home. Mr. Midgeling is there with all the kids. Things haven't been going so smoothly these days. We haven't had a kitchen sink for a couple of months now. Since my back has been hurt, I haven't been able to do any cleaning. Cooking is about all I can do, and I even need help with that sometimes. I can't sweep or even fold laundry or I get horrible muscle spasms/stabbing pain with tingling in my back, neck and left arm. I can't even knit much before my hand starts to go all wonky and hurty on me.

So the house is a disgusting mess. Because, you know - I am the only person who will clean. I have been pushed past my breaking point. Last night sucked and today was filled with mind-blowingly ridiculous emails. I am beyond pissed and way into numb brained eye-rolling. I don't want to go home. I just want to go be alone somewhere. I need some mellow time.

Yesterday I was a bit into the self-pity. Not today. I am just disgusted and disappointed. Seriously disappointed. I suppose I am a bit angry, too. I am sick of excuses and people blowing me off. It is frustrating to know that nobody you live with honestly gives a crap about how you feel until you are having a full-blown meltdown where you wish death and destruction to everything around you. Why do people completely blow you off for days and weeks and months - they refuse to take you seriously until you are pushed past your breaking point? Then they look at you and have the audacity to say "Why are you so worked up?"

I really think that marriage/kids was not the right path for me. I am really not very good at any of this. But here I am, married with 4 kids. Not much I can do about it now except try to muddle through as best I can. The kids will all be grown and gone one day. Maybe by that time I will have figured out some of this chaos. For months I have just been going through the motions, getting through the weeks and not really seeing or feeling like it serves any purpose. I suppose this is just one of those desert periods that people go through. Oh, how I wish it was a "dessert period" instead, lol.

Posted by midgeling at 04:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

My phone did not arrive. It is currently on a delivery truck somewhere. So at least it should be here soon.

Enter the Black Dog: The new year isn't going quite as well as I had hoped so far. Like yesterday, for example. I arrived back home after dropping HK off at school to find that I had to turn off 9 lights that people failed to turn off before leaving. NINE. From the upstairs attic room (my bedroom) to the basement. Then came work. And it wouldn't stop. I am still dealing with asthma and congestion issues, but in an effort to save my crappy immune system, I have gone off my asthma inhalers. I mean, I have had some virus or another since the end of September. I get a 2-3 day break in there on occasion, but I am SICK of being sick! Oh, and I am still not done with all my Christmas knitting.

And today I slept through my alarm for 2 hours. I let HK stay home from school because I had to drive Mr Midgeling to work. His motorcycle had a flat tire and he was going to be late for a meeting with Bob-the-New-Boss-of-First-Impressions. I am not impressed by that man (Bob, not the mister. But actually, I haven't been to impressed with the mister lately either, lol!). He is a dolt. So the middle 2 kids have late start school at 10:30 on Fridays. But they were 10 minutes late anyway.

I am having insomnia issues. I frequently get to greet 3 am in a completely conscious state. I have been feeling restless and irritable. My concentration and motivation is shot. If I had my choice, I would stay up all night knitting and listening to my iPod and sleep all day. I am having a hard time resisting the urge to buy stuff. I seriously want to renew a couple of sock clubs, but I can't. I have to save that money for the new house that will hopefully be entering our lives in the next 6 months or so.

My former boss still manages to be like wet sand in my underwear, even though I don't report to him anymore. Well, I suppose he is like wet sand because I don't report to him anymore. I don't even want to work anymore because my place of employment is dysfunctional (as is everywhere) and preally pretty hostile. I report to a new woman now, so hopfully that will go well. I have known her for years, though I didn't work with her much, but I have never had issues or anything negative go on with her.

My friend Chris asked me today what I have been doing to try to cope with these feelings and problems I have had lately. Here's an excerpt from our conversation:

Chris says (11:39 AM):so what have you tried to do differently to break the funk?
midgeling says (11:40 AM):
um, leaving my purse in the car so I cant shop online, lol
midgeling says (11:40 AM):
And I upped my meds by a half a pill
midgeling says (11:41 AM):
trying to be positive. think positive and plan things out. more structure makes for less opportunity to start spinning out of control. it's hard sometimes. sometimes I just want to sleep and quit trying to be level-headed
midgeling says (11:41 AM):but i know I cant

So there. I know it will get better. It just takes time and effort. But it is still a struggle some days. But on the more positive side:

More Christmas knitting. I'm on the second sock. It's plain rib, but I need to get stuff done fast. I will make it up to teh recipient by making another fancier pair when I get a moment.

Posted by midgeling at 12:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Okay, I really thought I was doing okay. I was really thinking that the irregular sleep patterns and gastric disruption was due to me being sick. I am almost better, but still coughing up weird junk. I didn't think I needed to up my meds to almost the full prescribed dose. The full dose is only for those times where I need a bit to help me out until the internal freakiness subsides.

Today was fun. I got to hang out with Joy again today, and that was after a nice sushi lunch with The Mister and Lex. Joy and I even did the girly shopping thing where she made me buy clothes that tried to avoid making me look as dumpy as I sometimes feel. So why am I currently having anxiety issues? Not a damn clue. Okay, I have a bit of a clue. I got some irritating correspondence from someone who obviously doesn't have enough to keep them busy. Must be a slow period.

But the funny thing is that while that is likely what triggered it, I don't really give a poop about that person or the situation. That is irritating to me. Its right up there with some idiot on the freeway doing something rude, but it triggers the irrational psych issues for you later in the day. I think it is just one of those things where the little things during the week really add up.

A few weeks ago I dreamed I set my work on fire and hoped that my former boss (who I currently refuse to work for anymore) would either die in the fire or get blamed for it. With a dream like that, I suspect that I should really seriously consider resigning again - for good. Work is just one of those things that is a necessary evil in my life right now.

I finished another Christmas hat. That made me happy. It looks pretty good, even though it is just a simple ribbed cap. Other than Kass being sick and me always being worried she will get pneumonia again, the weekend looks okay. She's been congested for a long time. Now she has a fever. We almost lost her when she was born, and ever since, The Mister and I have always been a bit on the paranoid side with her when she has respiratory issues. I think I just need to get some sleep - even if it has to be diphenhydramine hydrochloride induced. G'night!

Posted by midgeling at 10:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

There have been many, many posts here that I have deleted before publishing. Why? The infamous Black Dog. I haven't always been one of the people brave enough to just sort of put it all out there. I mean, who wants to think of themselves as "mentally ill"? Doesn't that mean you are flawed or defective? Yes, depression sucks. It's been "officially" a problem for me since 2000. My doc thinks that based on our conversations, it has been my companion since childhood.

I have admired people like Ginger Nut for a while now. They can talk about depression and how it affects them and not feel ashamed. Why should I feel ashamed? Well, I have had some people close to me call me names - usually behind my back. I found out that one person had been gossiping about me saying I was crazy, a freak and they wished I would just suck it up and go on already. That really hurt.

But I know that I am not the only one going through this kind of thing. If you can't deal with my spells of "bad" behavior, you need to just get the hell out of my life, because I don't need you making things more difficult for me than they already are. I don't enjoy the gastrointestinal upset, insomnia, panic attacks, fatigue and headaches. Really, It don't. Be glad all you have to deal with is me being scatterbrained, withdrawn, tired and cranky. In the last several years, i have accepted myself a lot more. I know that those parts of my life make up who I am. I will deal with it as best I can. I have made it 36 years living a fairly good life. I plan on living a lot longer.

Posted by midgeling at 01:54 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)