midgeling: life in a shoe.

I have been in a funk. And that is putting it mildly. Grandpa got sick and passed at the end of March, right? Well, that sort of threw me into this tailspin that I wasn't sure how to get out of. Well, he was the first person who was a major part of my life that I have lost in nearly 30 years. I know, if you really look at it, that makes me a very lucky person. But it also left me totally unprepared to deal with loss of that nature. And since the memorial wasn't until his birthday at the end of May, it seemed to make April and May a space of time where I was left oddly hollow and achy.

So I flew to CA with my brother and sister. My mom, stepdad and 2 youngest brothers drove down. I stayed with my father and his family for a few days. It was nice to see him and his side of the family. But it was also weird to see these people I hadn't seen in like 12 years. But I suppose that is another story. The service and lunch were lovely. But thinking about it makes me cry every time and i am at work now and don't want to start blubbering.

So here I am. I don't quite know what to do with myself. I am finding it hard to enjoy my life these days. I still knit, but it isn't enjoyable like it used to be. Most often, I knit to finish up things I need to do for gifts, or to keep my hands busy while I am waiting for the kids during taekwondo or other appointments. I started another project - the Pop Rock sweater for Kassie. It's irritating me. It's not the pattern or the yarn's fault. It's just me. I haven't wanted to spin or tat or weave or anything.

Blogging? Yeah. Haven't seen me do much of that lately. Photography? "I suck at it anyway, so why bother?" Kids? They are messy, demanding, spoiled, etc. But they have their moments. There have been a few times where they make everything all better. If only those moments lasted…

See? A funk. A depression. Whatever you want to call it, it sucks. It's not made any easier by my lame job or my lazy, messy children. Or my stupid, broken brain that can't figure out which way is up. My brain makes my body ache and my head feel foggy and tired. My brain makes me want to sleep far more than is normal. So I struggle with reminding myself that all things considered, I really have it pretty good. I have a job that pays fairly well and offers flexibility, though I do not enjoy it at all anymore. I have kids who are happy and healthy. My husband still has a job. We can afford food, clothing, shelter, and even some extras. We do not have any recurring monthly credit card debt. Our cars are paid off. My parents are alive and in fairly good health. Life is good.

So how long till my broken brain catches on to my good fortune?