Monday Blahs
I am at work. I have been here since 8:30 this morning. It's 4:15 right now. I only need to work 6 hours today. I don't want to go home. Mr. Midgeling is there with all the kids. Things haven't been going so smoothly these days. We haven't had a kitchen sink for a couple of months now. Since my back has been hurt, I haven't been able to do any cleaning. Cooking is about all I can do, and I even need help with that sometimes. I can't sweep or even fold laundry or I get horrible muscle spasms/stabbing pain with tingling in my back, neck and left arm. I can't even knit much before my hand starts to go all wonky and hurty on me.
So the house is a disgusting mess. Because, you know - I am the only person who will clean. I have been pushed past my breaking point. Last night sucked and today was filled with mind-blowingly ridiculous emails. I am beyond pissed and way into numb brained eye-rolling. I don't want to go home. I just want to go be alone somewhere. I need some mellow time.
Yesterday I was a bit into the self-pity. Not today. I am just disgusted and disappointed. Seriously disappointed. I suppose I am a bit angry, too. I am sick of excuses and people blowing me off. It is frustrating to know that nobody you live with honestly gives a crap about how you feel until you are having a full-blown meltdown where you wish death and destruction to everything around you. Why do people completely blow you off for days and weeks and months - they refuse to take you seriously until you are pushed past your breaking point? Then they look at you and have the audacity to say "Why are you so worked up?"
I really think that marriage/kids was not the right path for me. I am really not very good at any of this. But here I am, married with 4 kids. Not much I can do about it now except try to muddle through as best I can. The kids will all be grown and gone one day. Maybe by that time I will have figured out some of this chaos. For months I have just been going through the motions, getting through the weeks and not really seeing or feeling like it serves any purpose. I suppose this is just one of those desert periods that people go through. Oh, how I wish it was a "dessert period" instead, lol.
Comments
well....damnittohell! Seriously, I feel for you, big time, and I DO know just what you're talking about.... here's a response I got at one point "But, I didn't think you meant it".... sheesh.
Apparently I've been stumbling into a hole lately, and there happens to be a vacant one nearby, you're more than welcome to it.... the rest of us 'hole folks' keep it pretty quiet.... but then there are those times we'll break out a Depp movie, well, you know, and you're welcome to come by for one of those too :^) otherwise, just furnish with what you need.....
Rotten periods do pass, eventually.
Hang in there and when all else fails grab the 'knot' and hang on for dear life, because it really is... dear... life is.
Posted by: marianne | January 29, 2008 06:23 AM