midgeling: life in a shoe.

Okay, so here's the part that I can't leave totally publicly accessable. Not like this makes much of a difference. People still can read this part if they click in the right spot, but whatever. It makes me feel a bit more like I have my ass covered. Nathan gets mad when I reveal too much to people about him, the family or even myself. There was this whole incident where I was a Bad Girl a few years back and he caught me being naughty on Open Diary.

So I don't write there anymore. And then my blog here? Yeah, he has total access to it, which I don't really mind. I just can't say anything bad about my in-laws here, lol. But he doesn't even like the fact that I confide in my bestest friends here. Only one of my closest friends is a knitter, and unfortuantely she is in Ballard and I am here in Renton. The other two that I see more frequently don't knit and don't quite understand that mania that is knitting.

Nathan doesn't understand or like the part of me that has always felt the need to be creative and expressive. (I suppose most people don't like what they don't understand, right?) I don't understand it myself, but I just know it is part of who I am and it makes me happy. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't mind the Creative part of me, as long as it stays far from the Personal and Expressive parts of me. He thinks it gets ugly and threatening when those three parts of me meet up for drinks at the pub.

Back on Open Diary, I used to write a lot about my experiences growing up with a timid mom and a pretty nutso father. Then with my less timid mom and nutso step-father. It was a way for me to work through what had happened to me and move on. Nathan felt it just had me dwelling on the past too much. It was a past he didn't like and didn't understand. I also wrote about the hard times Nathan and I had when we considered getting divorced. (I am probably getting way too personal for his tastes rtight here.) I was told that I was becoming quite the storyteller and had some readers very captivated and emotionally involved.

That all stopped when Nathan demanded that I quit Open Diary (He had some good reasons for that, also). But as a knee-jerk reaction, I stopped almost all my creative outlets. I didn't write or keep a journal, I stopped knitting, tatting, sewing, quilting, drawing... you name it. It was almost too painful because I had been on such an expressive track, to just go cold turkey in some areas was really pretty hard. He didn't demand me to give up all creativity and self expression altogether, just stick to the Domestic Goddess approved ones like knitting, quilting, sewing, etc. But I just felt defeated and totally unmotivated.

The problem I have now is that I stifled my creative and expressive side for so long, I feel like a total novice again. Hell, I am inclined to get bored and fall asleep just proofing my blog entries for typos and grammar mistakes (which I suck at too, btw - LOL!)

Yes. I have become boring. I am trying to fix that. I really am. Danny Gregory got me thinking. What if on that plane either to or from Denver, it starts to crash and I know I am doomed. I know that I will not regret choosing cuddle time with the kids over housework. I won't regret walking out of a good-paying job because of an asshat lying, stupid as a rock director. I know my kids love me and I know that they will always know I loved them. What I will regret is knowing that in my life, I was meant to be more artistic and expressive than I allowed myself to be. I let outside pressure and my own insecurity make me less than I was meant to be. And that is one regret I currently have. And that is one that I plan on remedying.